To the city that never sleeps.

I wrote this in February 2021 when a snow storm hit the city 

and we all had a snow day from work and I took some of my favorite photos.

the city disappeared 

while we all fell asleep

blanketed with time

forcing us to all stand still

if only for a little while

new york took a breath

childish laughter & giggles 

echoed from its depths

as innocence was once given to 

the city that never sleeps.

the ringing of the city base - lulled 

while we all waited for the 

the storm 

to sleep 

Maybe he doesn't hit you?

He’s doing it again. I can smell it.

Does he actually think I can’t notice it?

He must think I’m stupid. How can I even ignore it for the night, the smell of it makes me physically sick.

I sit there and nod as he tells me some story about his work, slurring his words.

GET OUT NOW....A silent voice in my head screams.

MAYBE HE’LL CHANGE....I silently scream back.

But who am I trying to fool. He needs help and I need to realise that he isn’t going to change for me 

no matter how many times I beg.

I look back at him concentrating on what he is trying to say.

I drink in every inch of his face. 

The only good thing was that I was never in love with him I wouldn't allow myself. 

I don’t think I ever could be in love with someone who has put me through so much heartache.

SO WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? the voice silently screams at me again.

All the memories come flooding back like someone is playing a video in my mind.

The time he smashed our front door, when he kissed someone else, finding the bottles hidden under my bed and in the bathroom, our holiday when he was so close to hitting me but smashed the room up instead.....

All the feelings wash over me: sadness, regret, the feeling of being scared, heartbreak, loneliness.

What will my mother say?

What will my friends say? or do they already know?

Am I a push over?  

Doesn’t he seeing he’s ruining this? 

We could be happy. 

I'm too young for this I shouldn't have to deal with it.

I always thought I was a strong character before I met him and that if anyone treated me badly then I would be able to walk away from it all.

But when it’s happening to you it’s much harder.

I’m not in love with him, but clearly I care for him.

Where are you going? I ask him as he stands up swaying slightly.

Bed he replies as his eyes roll in his head.

My bed you mean. 

Go home to your own house is what I want to tell him, that I can’t stand the 

thought of lying next to him when he’s in this state.  

I don’t have it in me to argue and I know it’s better to give in.

What if he went home and drank even more, at least I can keep an eye on him here.

As I follow him into the room he’s asleep in seconds, alcohol fumes fill my room.

I lie down beside him not wanting to touch him. 

Flinching as he wraps his arm around me.

I stifle a cry and another night of fitful sleep ensues.

Dreams turn into nightmares and the nightmare continues as I open my eyes and see him beside me.

________________________________________________________________________________

It’s been a few years now and I finally escaped.

But not before he left me with scars.

Not physical scars.

Instead the scars are ones you cannot see.

Sometimes they’re the ones that hurt the most.

X

Sad isn't it? Part II.

We were friends once.

Not that long ago.

I would tell you my secrets and you would tell me yours.


Now I don't even know what your doing with your life.


Sad isn't it?


People drift apart and it happens all the time.

But it doesn't make it hurt any less.


I blame him you and you blame me.

But we're not even sure how it started.

We're probably both to blame.


Both too pig headed to admit that we're sorry.

But both better off the way we are now?


I'm happy, I'm not sure about you.


Just remember I tried.

You didn't.



Sad isn't it?


x

Sad isn't it?

7-11-2015

Today is your birthday.

You are eight.

You came into this world in the very early hours of a Wednesday morning in 2007 and I stayed awake because I was so desperate to hear that you made it into the world okay.

The next morning I got to meet you and I could have cried.

All pink with a head full of hair.

And eight years later here you are a little girl with a gapped tooth smile.

You told me you either want to be a Guard or a Beautician when you grow up.

I told you why not do both.

The thing is 'we' don’t get to see you very often. 

In the last 8 years I have never seen you for more than two days in a row.

Sad isn't it?

But it's the norm. 

Which is even sadder. 

We've never seen you on your birthday.

Santa either comes a few days late or a few days early to our house because we never get to see you on the actual day. 

But your happy because you've never known any different in your life.

Sad isn't it?  

x