Maybe he doesn't hit you?

He’s doing it again. I can smell it.

Does he actually think I can’t notice it?

He must think I’m stupid. How can I even ignore it for the night, the smell of it makes me physically sick.

I sit there and nod as he tells me some story about his work, slurring his words.

GET OUT NOW....A silent voice in my head screams.

MAYBE HE’LL CHANGE....I silently scream back.

But who am I trying to fool. He needs help and I need to realise that he isn’t going to change for me 

no matter how many times I beg.

I look back at him concentrating on what he is trying to say.

I drink in every inch of his face. 

The only good thing was that I was never in love with him I wouldn't allow myself. 

I don’t think I ever could be in love with someone who has put me through so much heartache.

SO WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? the voice silently screams at me again.

All the memories come flooding back like someone is playing a video in my mind.

The time he smashed our front door, when he kissed someone else, finding the bottles hidden under my bed and in the bathroom, our holiday when he was so close to hitting me but smashed the room up instead.....

All the feelings wash over me: sadness, regret, the feeling of being scared, heartbreak, loneliness.

What will my mother say?

What will my friends say? or do they already know?

Am I a push over?  

Doesn’t he seeing he’s ruining this? 

We could be happy. 

I'm too young for this I shouldn't have to deal with it.

I always thought I was a strong character before I met him and that if anyone treated me badly then I would be able to walk away from it all.

But when it’s happening to you it’s much harder.

I’m not in love with him, but clearly I care for him.

Where are you going? I ask him as he stands up swaying slightly.

Bed he replies as his eyes roll in his head.

My bed you mean. 

Go home to your own house is what I want to tell him, that I can’t stand the 

thought of lying next to him when he’s in this state.  

I don’t have it in me to argue and I know it’s better to give in.

What if he went home and drank even more, at least I can keep an eye on him here.

As I follow him into the room he’s asleep in seconds, alcohol fumes fill my room.

I lie down beside him not wanting to touch him. 

Flinching as he wraps his arm around me.

I stifle a cry and another night of fitful sleep ensues.

Dreams turn into nightmares and the nightmare continues as I open my eyes and see him beside me.

________________________________________________________________________________

It’s been a few years now and I finally escaped.

But not before he left me with scars.

Not physical scars.

Instead the scars are ones you cannot see.

Sometimes they’re the ones that hurt the most.

X

Want to know my secret to a balanced lifestyle?

So you probably came here thinking I had some holy grail answer but I'll tell you honestly that I have nothing. No answers to the 'balanced lifestyle' that people talk about these days.

 But what I can offer you is a list of what I do and how I still remain more unbalanced then an ash-tray on a motorbike! 

So on the daily I am popping vitamins B & C  tablets from Holland & Barrett every morning in a bid to:

A- Get more energy

B-Keep away any sickness

C-Because the man in the shop advised me that those where the ones I needed when I begged him: "Please give me something to stop me being so tired." 

I drink more green tea than is actually required and at least two liters of water a day. 

My meals are healthy-ish, with a fine mixture of chocolate to help balance out those greeeens. 

(I promise this is not a post about me bragging about how class I am.....)

But yet to no avail after a 8-9 hour sleep I still wake up EXHAUSTED! Maybe it's too much sleep? Or maybe it's the fact that I have to sit in front of a computer from 9.30am to 5.30pm everyday? I don't drink coffee because I can't stand the taste but I'm beginning to think I need a fix of it lately.

Then there's the 'social life' aspect: 

Last weekend I refrained myself from going out because I was exhausted and couldn't justify having a two day hangover with a busy week ahead. 

So on Saturday night I went to bed at half ten and slept until 9 the next morning but yet there comes Monday morning and I feel as if I spent the whole weekend partying when in-fact I stayed in and watched Winning Streak with the rentals (and I wonder why I'm single....)

I probably should have endured the two day hangover but you know what sometimes it's nice to wake up in your own bed on a Sunday instead of a random couch, floor, bathroom...and god knows where else. 

Now throw in the exercise, by the time I have come home from work, made dinner it is well after 7, the nights are dark I'm tired but last night I dragged my fat ass out the door and ran and walked and then ran some more and then walked.....

All I'm saying is, there is no balance, there is routine to some extent but no balance, its hard to fit work, friends, exercise, socializing, your hobbie, god love you if ya have a boyfriend not sure where they would fit into the equation. 

But I don't have the answer to it all, the last year I have been going going going and I feel like lately I may burn out. The masters, working, the thesis, then straight into a new experience and not to mention the fact that I am torn between houses, with no real place or space to call my own just yet. 

But hopefully that changes soon and it will mean I can get into a proper routine. 

As I write this I have yawned about 50 times, I'm off to lie on my bed for a few hours and read. 

No phone. No laptop. Just a very tired girl. 

X

Wishing my life away! October edition!

Michael Kors

Call me a basic bitch, but one of these bags are still high on my wish list! 

Paris

The city of Love that needs no introduction. A city break anywhere is on my wish list, I've never been to Paris and it's never been high on my list of places to go but I would love to tick it off my bucket list! 

Short Hair?

While I'm not thinking of going this short, I am thinking of taking a good 3 inches off my hair and making it more light in color. 

Distress Denim Jacket

I've been on the hunt for the perfect denim jacket for a long time and being so close to buying a Topshop one on serveral occasions but the colour has always been off for me. I think this Denim Jacket from Lasula Boutique is the one!  

Nude Jacket

This jacket from River Island is a winter staple, with or without the fur I would no doubt get my moneys worth from this jacket! 

Bardot Playsuit

After seeing this on So Sue Me's Facebook page, I fell in love. I'm a play-suit girl: I own more of them than dresses, so while it's on my wish list I already purchased this Missguided one and hopefully will have it before my night out next weekend! 

Drake Concert

Tickets go on sale this Friday, that can only mean on thing.....ya I won't be getting them. Priced at €90 I'm afraid I won't be going, but a girl can wish! 

Over the knee boots

My mind is already thinking of outfits for the colder months in particular Christmas! I never really liked over the knee boots but I think that these Zara ones have changed my mind! 

X

I left my heart in LDN

Last weekend I surprised (with the help of Tom Cat) my bestest bestie with a birthday gift I knew she would love: MOI.

 

 

We spent the weekend drinking cheap wine and getting lost on the underground. 

Fun (it's not) but sick fact: If you go on the underground and then blow your nose, the dust that comes out is black. SICK I KNOW. 

With a population of 8.6 million London City is not for the faint-hearted or the claustrophobic. 

 

              

But I do love it. Buildings that are higher than the sky and people from every walk of life, hustling and bustling around not paying attention to whats beside them.

Shared smiles on a tube full of strangers as you and your 'friends for the weekend' crash on and then fall over because it takes off at the speed of lightening. 

There is no personal space on the tube, chewing gum is a necessity and always live with the fear that the doors will close on you and you'll be trapped on who knows what platform while everyone else takes off to god knows where.

Shopping is like a war zone, every person for themselves. 

I actually have no idea how anyone works in the shops on Oxford Street or the likes of Mc Donalds, it honestly looks like a bomb site has hit the place, clothes everywhere.  

Cheeky tube rides at 5 am and even cheekier cheeseburgers. 

It's my third time in London, and each time it feels like I'm visiting a different city. 

So much to see, so little time.

But I'll be back London......... 

Soon. 

X

          

It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live...

"Words are in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic"- J.K Rowling

This weekend I was in London and got to go to a place I have wanted to visit for quite some time. 

Harry potter world. 

Yes, that's not the correct terminology to use there, but Warner brothers studio whatever you want call it, heaven for the extreme HP fans. 

So I thought I would share my pictures because if not for you, then just for me to look back on and remember. One ticket was 35 pounds and of course I took my fav person for her birthday. I had to book it three weeks in advance because it is always sold out, and I still only managed to get it for 6.00 pm on a Sunday which suited us and our hangovers just fine. 

It is not a guided tour so you can spend as long as you want in

 each area looking at all the little pieces of 'magic'. 

x